A friends-with-benefits relationship can be scary. A lot can go wrong if you don’t do it right, including getting your feelings hurt and potentially losing someone you are close to. It can even mess up your relationship with your other friends.
If it is done right, however, it can be friendly and safe. Most importantly, it can also be fun. Having a fun time is what makes friends-with-benefits relationships so exciting. But to have the best experience, you need to follow these rules for friends with benefits so you are both safe and comfortable.
7 Rules for Friends With Benefits
1. Do Some Self-Reflection First
The very first step in establishing a friends-with-benefits relationship is to make sure you are someone that can handle this kind of relationship. While it can be exciting and adventurous, it isn’t something everyone can do.
One of the most common problems with friends with benefits is that someone tends to get too attached, which can lead to hurt feelings and a tense relationship.
We’ve all seen the movies or read books where a friends-with-benefits relationship turned into something more. Unfortunately, that isn’t usually the case in real life. If you end up with feelings, you are just likely to get hurt.
So before you even consider starting this kind of relationship, you need to make sure that you can keep your emotions out of the relationship. If you can’t, it isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but then you need to admit that this relationship might not be for you.
If romance and sex are connected for you, or you find yourself getting close to people easily, this may not be the relationship for you. The same goes for those who are likely to get jealous easily. This is also true for some sexualities.
For example, people that identify as demisexual tend to form romantic attractions to people before they want to have a sexual relationship. In these cases, a friends-with-benefits situation will likely only leave them unsatisfied.
You may think it is worth it to try it once, but friends with benefits often have higher stakes than a casual relationship. You can lose close friends and have awkward social situations if it isn’t handled right.
2. Have a Transparent Sex Life
This rule doesn’t mean that you have to tell your partner about every intimate detail about your time with other partners. However, you both need to be open about other relationships you may have going on.
This is to protect you both. If one of you ends up getting an STI, the other needs to know about it as soon as possible. They also need to be aware that they might give it to their other relationships.
If you both end up having multiple partners frequently, it may be a good idea to get tested fully before starting the relationship. You can also discuss scheduling STI appointments throughout the relationship just to make sure you are both staying clean and healthy.
Additionally, being open about your other relationships can remind you both that this is just a casual situation, and not something intimate like you may be used to.
You also need to be open about items like birth control. Even when wearing protection, accidents can happen, so keeping your partner up-to-date on whether you are on birth control and are consistently taking it or not, if applicable, can be very important.
While friends-with-benefits relationships tend to be more casual, some people still prefer to be more exclusive just to reduce the number of risks of STIs. Talking about this upfront so you are both on the same page regarding expectations can reduce any tension later.
It also lets you and your partner know whether you need to be worried about STIs after the initial test. If your partner is having multiple sexual relationships and doesn’t tell you, you may not even be aware that you need to be worried about testing again.
3. Set Expectations Early On
When you are first establishing your relationship, it is a good idea to set boundaries and rules right away. This allows you both to talk openly about your expectations and come to an agreement on what you are both wanting out of the relationship.
If this is your first casual relationship, you may not be sure what kind of ground rules you need or should discuss. Here are some examples of topics you may both want to bring up initially so you aren’t getting hurt or realize there’s been some confusion later on.
- Whether the relationship will be open or not?
- If there is any chance of you moving on from friends with benefits to something more serious?
- How often do you expect to meet up?
- What do you want out of the relationship?
- If you will spend any time together outside of the relationship?
- How secretive the relationship will be?
- When you might meet up?
- Where you will meet up?
- How much do you want to know about each other?
- Is flirty texting acceptable?
- Is there a time limit on this relationship?
- Do you mind spontaneous meetups or do they all need to be planned?
- How frequently do you want to get tested?
- What kinds of sex you are comfortable with?
- Whether you can hook up with multiple people on the same day?
- How long after sex they can stay?
- What to do when you find a more serious relationship?
- How often to check in with one another?
It may feel awkward to discuss this with someone you don’t know intimately, but having healthy communication and boundaries set up at the beginning is a key step to making sure that the relationship goes well.
4. Don’t Sleep Over at Each Other’s Homes
If you meet up late at night, it may seem like nothing to let them stay for the night, but it can create a feeling where there wasn’t any before. Things like cuddling and spooning are actions we usually see as being more for relationships.
This is because cuddling and a lot of soft touches can release a chemical known as oxytocin in the brain. This is often known as the bonding chemical because it can cause you to subconsciously form closer bonds with the people you are being touchy-feely with.
By acting on them with a casual relationship, you are creating a new bond, and you may start to feel emotions. Additionally, late at night, people have a habit of being more open and honest, and you may engage in dangerous pillow talk.
You may also find out more about your friend with benefits than you want to. After all, it’s much easier to get attached when you know intimate details of their life.
5. Continue Dating and Looking for a Partner
This one is pretty important. Even if you are good at handling casual relationships, if you don’t look at anyone else as a romantic interest, then you are likely to get attached to your friend with benefits.
Even if you both have a rule to not sleep around with other people, that doesn’t mean you can’t go on casual dates and meet new people. If the new relationship starts getting serious, you can then talk about your partner about maybe ending your friends-with-benefits situation so you can move on.
Having a friends-with-benefits situation can make dating easier for some. If sexual frustration or attraction tends to stop you from picking good partners over hot ones, then having someone to enjoy sex with can help you make a clearer decision. You also have a better chance of forming a genuine connection with your date as well.
Of course, this means that you also have to understand that it is likely that they are still dating around as well, so don’t be surprised if they want to call it off at some point as well.
6. Don’t Start a Friends With Benefits Relationship With Someone You Have Feelings For
This one might be obvious but should still be said. You don’t want to end up in a friends-with-benefits situation with someone you already have feelings for. The sappy movies you watch may try to tell you that it will work out fine and you will eventually get together, but it isn’t like that.
Even if you know this, you may think it is a good idea. After all, it offers you an opportunity to get close to the person you have an attraction to. Maybe you are thinking if you have this casual relationship, you might even get over them at some point. Don’t lie to yourself like that.
Not only are you lying to your partner by getting into this situation knowing you already have feelings, but you are lying to yourself. No matter who you are, you can’t separate those feelings you have from the sex you two are going to have.
In the end, it will just lead to hurt feelings on one or both sides. If you are already attracted to them, it is likely that you are close socially, such as tight friends or in the same social situation.
If that is the case, it means that not only are you going to hurt both you and your friend with benefits but you may break up your social circle or create tension where there doesn’t have to be any.
7. Remember to Enjoy Yourself
These rules may be a little scary, but there is one more to keep in mind. You need to have fun above all. The main reason for a friends-with-benefits relationship is to have casual sex with someone you feel safe and comfortable with. Casual sex is meant to be enjoyable.
This can be a great time to try out new things in the bedroom, as long as your partner feels comfortable as well with it. You can try dirty talk, sexting, or just new positions. It is often easier with a friend with benefits because you don’t have to worry about making things awkward with a romantic partner, or being embarrassed to ask for something.
If you aren’t having fun and enjoying yourself, then it might be time to step back. Often, the reason you aren’t having fun is that they aren’t taking care of your needs, or you are so busy trying not to have romantic feelings that it is stopping you from fully enjoying yourself.
Whatever the reason, that is usually a sign that the relationship is nearing its end. It’s better to call it off as soon as you realize it. Otherwise, there can be hurt feelings and lingering anger between you both.
