Being stuck in a dead-end conversation at work events or house parties can feel like a fate worse than death. At such times, most people struggle to think of ways to elevate the mood. Well, struggle no more! Here’s a complete list of funny random things to say to make people crack up.
Funny Random Things to Say on Any Occasion
If you have a deep desire to shake up any conversation you’re in, one of the following prompts should be enough to convince people you’re unhinged.
Proverbs and Life Tips People Don’t Want You to Know
If you’re ever at a loss for words, but don’t want to let the other person get the last word, you can always pull out a tried and true proverb from this list. Just make sure it fits into the context of the situation. If you’re giving love or life advice, you can say:
1. Beauty lies in the eye of the beer holder.
2. I am a housekeeper. Every time I break up with a guy, I keep his house.
3. Everyone wants to be the early bird but no one thinks of the early worm! That sucker is just there to be the next guy’s breakfast!
4. A successful man ought to earn more than his wife can spend. Conversely, a successful woman only needs to know where to find such a man.
5. Archeologists are the best husbands. The older you get, the more they’ll love you!
6. Refusing to go to the gym is one of the best kinds of resistance training.
7. Running in place will get you nowhere fast.
8. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. As long as you throw it hard enough.
9. If money talks, mine only ever says “goodbye.”
10. Never sell your thoughts for a penny. Ask for ten bucks at least. Know your worth.
11. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
12. Time is the best teacher. The only problem is that it kills all its students.
13. Remember: if it feels like everything is coming at you, you’re probably in the wrong lane!
14. You know math and alcohol don’t mix! After all, you should never drink and derive.
15. Don’t drink and drive! You might spill your scotch.
16. Alcohol can’t solve my problems. But then again, neither can milk.
Funny Random Things to Say When You Want to Start Philosophical Debates
Most people don’t like to shake things up in tense situations — but you’re not most people, are you? If you ever want to make complete strangers help you uncover the answers to life’s biggest mysteries, use the following prompts:
17. Do reality shows really show reality?
18. Ugh, the economy is broken! Does anyone here know how to fix it? Who’s got duct tape?
19. Why do pants and shorts cost about the same amount of money? Pants should be twice as expensive as shorts, no?
20. Do you think King Kong and Donkey Kong are related? Or is it more of a da Vinci case, and they’re just both from Hong Kong?
21. Do you think we’re actually pledging something when we say the Pledge of Allegiance? Seems like a big commitment… I’m not ready!
22. What do you do when you find the needle in the haystack? If you really needed a needle, why not just get a new one?
23. “Condo” is short for a condominium, so why aren’t we struggling to say apartment? I wish I lived in a luxury aparto.
24. Don’t you hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.
25. Have you ever tried sleeping in water? It’s like being in the womb again.
Fair warning: saying some of these in the wrong place, at the wrong time, may get you kicked off the premises.
Strange Food-Related Statements
Some of the most awkward conversations you’ll ever have will probably take place while you’re waiting for food. With that in mind, you should have some funny random things to say while standing in the company break room or waiting for your meal to arrive at a restaurant. Here are our top picks from across the Internet:
26. Riddle me this. If we’re not supposed to eat at night, how come the fridge has a light in it?
27. Thank god for brown cows. Imagine living in a world without chocolate milk!
28. Excuse me, you’ve sold me a faulty donut. It has a hole in the middle.
29. I asked for jumbo shrimp, but these are tiny!
30. Do you think vegetarians still get animal crackers?
31. Always knock on the fridge before you open it. When someone asks why you’re doing that, tell them: “There could be a salad dressing inside.”
32. When ordering food, make a big deal of being vegan. Then, go ahead and order the meatiest meal on the menu.
33. If you’re at a restaurant, ask about the most popular dishes. Then, order something else from the menu. (This one could come off as a mean-spirited prank, especially if the server needs to push certain meals and you refuse their recommendation.)
34. If someone takes the salt or another condiment from the dining table, point at it and tell the offender: “That is for members only.”
35. If you find yourself in the lobby or elevator of a building, ask the closest person you see: “Are you here for the dog food tasting?”
36. Offer someone a piece of gum, then say: “It’s not what you think.” Leave them guessing but give them the gum.
Funny Random Things to Say to People in Person and Over Text
The following statements are pretty non-offensive, but that’s exactly what makes them so great. These prompts will always lighten the mood:
37. I must be out of my mind. I should be back in ten minutes.
38. The best time on the clock is 6:30, hands down.
39. The rotation of the Earth really makes my day.
40. If history always repeats itself, I can’t wait to get a pet dinosaur.
41. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
42. Take my advice. I’m certainly not using it.
43. I have a clean conscience. Haven’t used it once.
44. Some people are so open-minded! When I try to be like that, I always end up scooping my brains off the sidewalk!
45. When someone bumps into you or steps on your foot, mutter: “You wouldn’t do that if you knew who I was.”
46. If you bump into someone or step on their foot, say: “I’m sorry. If I’d meant to do it, you’d know.”
47. Try calling someone only to tell them you can’t talk.
Ultimately, you don’t need to be in the same room with people to keep them on their toes. Here are some vaguely ominous texts you can send:
48. I told you it would come to this. I told you seventeen times.
49. After butt-dialing someone, send them a text saying: “That was your final warning.”
50. Set up a group chat with random phone numbers and start texting about a serious problem without introducing yourself.
51. Set up a group chat with the people who have numbers that are one digit higher or lower than yours. So if your number ends with a 3, get numbers 2 and 4 in on the fun.
52. Text a random person a picture of a lottery ticket claiming you won the big jackpot.
For a Surprising Twist: Pepper In Some Science Facts
The best thing about maintaining a crazy reputation is that even when you start spouting facts, no one will believe you. See for yourself by dropping one of these completely true statements into the conversation:
53. Babies have about 300 bones at birth, which is about a hundred more than adults have! Where do they all fit?
54. Stomach acid can even dissolve stainless steel. Our stomach lining has to completely renew itself every four days or so to keep up!
55. Hawaii is inching closer to Alaska at a rate of about 3 inches per year.
56. The Eiffel Tower can be up to 6 inches taller during the summer due to thermal expansion.
57. Venus and Uranus are the only planets in our solar system that don’t spin in the same direction. Unlike the others, Venus spins clockwise. Meanwhile, Uranus spins on its side.
58. Did you know that chalk is made from plankton fossils? (Imagine telling a kid who loves watching SpongeBob SquarePants that tidbit!)
